Character Hell
by Nelle
Summary: The cast of Homicide and Stargate talk about the shows. Therapy, sweet therapy. It would be good to know about both shows, but is not necessary. An exercise in silliness. And I really stink at writing summaries.


Title: Character Hell 

Author: Nelle Donaghue 

E-mail: Elbereth235@aol.com 

Rating: PG(Or R if you like Jennifer Hailey, Paul Falsone, Rene Sheppard, Laura Ballard, Freya/Anise or Terri Stivers) 

Warnings: Slash, Het(pairings at bottom of page if you want to be spoiled, know that Bayliss is with Kellerman and Jack is with Daniel:)) 

Category: Slash, Het, Crossover(Homicide: Life on the Street/Stargate: SG1), Humor, H/C 

Summary: The cast of Homicide and Stargate talk about the shows. Therapy, sweet therapy. It would be good to know about both shows, but is not necessary. An exercise in silliness. And I really stink at writing summaries. 

Disclaimer: Don't own either one, and they would both be a lot happier if I did. I promise I'll give them back unharmed (well, maybe except for a few of them, not the important ones though) 

Archive? Yes to Alpha Gate, Area 52, Jack/Daniel's Place, H/C Archive, Spacemonkey's Gate, 11 Cents and Schism. Anyone else, please ask first, I'll most likely say yes and I like to know where my work is! 

Author's Notes: Inspired by a post about Cadet Jennifer Haily (AKA, Cadet Mary Sue, which is a much more appropriate name IMHO). Not beta'd, but spell and grammar checked twice. If you want to know what they look like, pictures for Stargate can be found here: http://p3x595.norweb.net/ and for Homicide here: http://hlotsarchive.tripod.com/. Enjoy! 

*** 

"What are you doing here?" Det Paul Falsone asked Cadet Mary Sue, though it sounded more like "mumble mumble burgle mumble mumble," to Cadet Mary Sue as he wiped a dribble of hair grease from his forehead. 

"I don't know! I just saved the day and got to join a top secret facility! Why am I here?" 

"I think that the fans of the show don't truly appreciate you for how great you are. For what terrific dynamic you bring to the show." 

Cadet Mary Sue smiled, "I knew I liked you from the moment I saw you. So, why are you here?" 

"I'm here because somehow, the fans preferred seeing characters like Bayliss and Pembleton getting scenes. Something about them actually having acting talent. Whatever I say, I'm sexier, have beer style sense and better hair. They also said something about how I was a bastard to have persecuted Kellerman the way I did. So why don't they like you?" 

"The fans were babbling about how I was too perfect. I don't understand it! It's good to be perfect. And I think that the fans must have been really stupid to not see how sexy you are." 

"Perfection is good, very good. I think you're pretty close to perfection myself. Wanna see a picture of my kid?" 

"You have kids?" Cadet Mary Sue said happily, "I love kids." 

Falsone smiled and pulled out his wallet to show a picture of his kid, "Yeah, my ex-wife Janine doesn't want me to see him because I'm a cop." 

"She doesn't know a thing. I think you're a great father!" 

"And I think that you'd be a great mother." Falsone said as he leaned in closer to Cadet Mary Sue as he slicked back his hair and smiled sexily. He had to discreetly wipe his hand on his skin tight jeans; he had used too much hair grease today. 

Cadet Mary Sue smiled a wide coquettish smile and sidled closer to Falsone, "They don't know a thing." She leaned in and kissed him. 

//Author's note, the rest of this scene has been deleted in the interests of taste and of not having readers either a) be completely disgusted or b) losing their lunches. Though it is should be noted that at some time, Freya/Anise, Det Rene Sheppard, Det Terri Stivers, Det Laura Ballard and Frank Cantwell joined in and it became an orgy of bad characters and writing.// 

"My God, what are they doing down there?" Det Tim Bayliss said under his breath from the Character Hell observation window. 

"I don't know Tim. But I'm glad that I was kicked off the Homicide unit after the fifth season. And hey, isn't that Cantwell? Glad someone finally got him." Sergeant Kay Howard replied; disgust was clear in her voice. 

"You're the lucky one. Me, I had to endure two seasons of Falsone and Ballard. I really wished that drugs were legal; it would have made it a lot more bearable." Detective John Munch said having a flashback to the seventies when people used to share their drugs. 

"I only had to endure a season of it. That was bad enough. The writers just didn't understand that people might actually want to see real police work happen." 

"To think that I actually wanted Ballard at one time and went out on a *date* with her." Bayliss said, and then with even more horror in his voice added, "And wanted to go on a date with Sheppard." 

"I feel your pain Bayliss. That bastard Falsone got it into his head that I was a dirty cop and I became a self-destructed borderline alcoholic. Then Stivers rolled on me." Det Mike Kellerman said, taking a sip of Wild Turkey. 

"I didn't roll on you Mikey. And Bayliss, Sheppard strung me along for *months* before I got sick of her BS. Anyone want to hear the bear joke?" Det Meldrick Lewis said before looking fondly at a Polaroid snapshot of a Cobra engine. 

In unison, all the living members of the Homicide squad replied "NO!" 

"Aw come on, it's a good joke." 

"The first few hundred times you hear it, maybe." Kellerman snarked. 

"Know where I could get some good crab cakes?" Det Stan Bolander said, entering the Observation Room from the hallway. "What is going on down there?" 

"Big Man! Trust me, you don't want to know." Munch exclaimed happily as he hugged Bolander. 

"I'm suddenly very glad that I retired after the third season." Bolander said, gingerly hugging Munch back. 

"Hey, who's coming down the hall?" Mike asked. 

"I think it's the four original cast members of Stargate." Munch said, squinting. 

Colonel Jack O'Neill and Teal'c surveyed the room quickly, checking for defensibility as the came in the room. Dr. Daniel Jackson and Dr Major Samantha Carter followed talking in what O'Neill called "technobabble". The remaining members of the Homicide unit parted to let the team see what was happening below. 

"Carter, isn't that your favorite cadet?" O'Neill asked Carter. 

"Favorite cadet? She was never my favorite cadet." 

"Really?" O'Neill asked slightly puzzled, Carter had never said anything but good things about her. 

"Really. I wanted to strangle her the entire time we were on the planet with her. The writers pulled that one. Same with how we're attracted to each other." 

"Sam's right Jack. You two would not be good together. The writers just like to glaze over our relationship." Daniel told Jack. 

"The fans see it? That must explain why we're hardly ever in the same room together, let alone having actual scenes together." 

"Indeed O'Neill. It is apparent to those who are astute that you and DanielJackson are in a relationship together." 

"Uh, Teal'c. I'm not in a relationship with Daniel." 

Teal'c arched his eyebrow, "Then I must say that you should commence one at once." "Teal'c, there is a little thing called, 'Don't ask, don't tell.'" 

"Ignore it, it is for the best that you are in a relationship with DanielJackson even though you do not deserve him." 

"Daniel?" Jack asked Daniel as he held out his arm. 

Daniel smiled and moved closer to Jack, liking the feeling of Jack's arm around his waist and Jack's lips on him. 

"Should have done this ages ago." Jack murmured softly after kissing Daniel. "So what now?" Munch asked, wondering if there was any way he could get some weed. 

"Well, I know of a planet where the beaches are endless and the fish are this big." Jack said, attempting to gesture with one hand since he didn't want to move the other hand from Daniel's waist. 

The remaining Homicide unit members all exchanged glances and replied as one, "Yes!" followed by soft comments such as "anywhere but watching at them have sex" and "hey Bayliss, remember that night you drove me home from the waterfront? Lets do that." 

Jack and Daniel walked out of the Observation Room hand in hand; Kellerman and Bayliss walked out also hand in hand. Kay took Munch's hand, Bolander took Lewis', Pembleton took Mary's and Sam took Teal'c's. They walked out sighing deeply with relief because they no longer had to see/hear/know that their least favorite people were having sex right below them. The beach was indeed wonderful, miles long with white sand, tall palm trees, warm water and gently lapping waves. Drinks were readibly available and good as was the food. They were even able to concoct some of Skaara's cactus liquor. 

*** 

Det Steve Crosetti watched them leave the Observation Room before he passed the ace of spades, king of hearts and four of clubs to Sha're, who frowned at the cards, she now had all of the spade suits. She really didn't like this card game. 

"Good to see them finally leaving that little room." Crosetti said exhaling a drag of cigarette smoke and looking fondly at Giradello and winking, wherever the afterlife was, it was a lot better than when he was alive. 

Sha're smiled, Daniel had finally gotten over her and had moved on. She too had moved on and smiled happily at Det Beau Felton. "It is good to see Dan'yel happy again. He was so sad after Apophis took me." 

"I'm glad that Cantwell is getting what he deserves." He reached over and took Sha're's hand, "And I finally found someone who is sane." 

Lieutenant Al Giradello just smiled; his unit was finally happy again. 

The end! 

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Pairings: Jack/Daniel, Sam/Teal'c, Bayliss/Kellerman, Pembleton/Mary, Munch/Kay, Bolander/Lewis, Sha're/Felton, Crosetti/Lt Giradello, Ballard/Falsone/Cadet Mary Sue/Sheppard/Stivers/Anise/Freya/Cantwell(yes, I am evil, why do you ask?) 


End file.
